from 06 july 2003
blue vol II, #89
Opinion Archive

Mr Bush, I Beseech You

by Richard Blant

I have always been anti-war. The first war I really remember was the Falklands when I was 12. I could never (and still cannot) understand why we were sending thousands of troops so far south to fight for something which (even as a 12 year old) I could see logically should belong to Argentina.

Since then, I have always taken an anti-war stance on each of the conflicts we have been involved in. This has led to arguments at school and work and even a death threat in Peterborough train station this last March (I am not kidding, them warmongers are aggressive bastards...)

I now find myself on the other side of the argument. I am desperate for Bush to start on Iran or Syria. I really want him and his administration to start making WMD/tyrannical/Al Qaeda noises in that direction. I want Blair to be in that position of having to choose between the support for his peace-loving and Christian friend across the water or the voices of the people in this country. I really want him to choose Bush again.

I want him to tell the Commons with a serious face that Syria/Iran sponsor terrorism, that they could hit Cyprus; that they could destroy London in 45 minutes. I want the country to see the embarassement written on his face as he wearily repeats what the Emperor in Washington has told him. I want it to be written all over his face that "these are not my words"

I want it so obvious that none of the cabinet believe this charade but I still want to watch them repeat it on the Today programme, the World at One, Channel 4 News and Newsnight.

I want an even bigger task force to be assembled and sent down to the Gulf. I want Jim Davidson entertaining them. I want Geri Halliwell squeezing her tits together as the forces sweetheart. I want The Sun to tell its readers that our boys have to be there for freedom and security and the younger generation.

I want Richard Littlejohn to write a column on the dangers of having so many lesbian Syrian single mother assylum seekers and so many homosexual Iranians getting huge lottery grants. I want Mrs Thatcher wheeled out, her scrawny stroke damaged face dribbling drool out the corner of her mouth, saying how proud she is that she lives in a free country.

I want Peter Hitchens in The Daily Mail to tell a story of how evil the mad mullahs are; I want Melanie Phillips to whip up hatred for foreigners and to portray herself as the only moderate voice left. I want David Aaronovitch in The Guardian to be apoplectic with rage about the anti-war demonstrations.

I want a war. And I want one now.

And then maybe, just maybe the British public would turn round and say "no". Maybe they would turn against The Sun, The Daily Mail, Hitchens, Littlejohn, Phillips and Davidson. Maybe they would turn against Blair and the rest of his Christian fundamentalist junta.

I have turned into a member of the CPGB demanding that we do not feed the poor because only when they are really hungry will they revolt.

I need this war, I really do. You have no idea. I must write to the US embassy and demand they start on Syria. All Syrians are evil. They look like Saddam Hussein and they speak that same funny jibberish language. We all know that Saddam went to Syria. He is staying with Osama Bin Laden there, honestly.

Please start this war Mr Bush, to rid this country of all that is vile and intolerant.

But whatever you do, don't fire a single gun or missile. I don't want anyone to die.

–   Richard E

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