Mr Bush, I Beseech You
by Richard Blant
I have always been anti-war. The first war I really
remember was the Falklands when I was 12. I could
never (and still cannot) understand why we were
sending thousands of troops so far south to fight for
something which (even as a 12 year old) I could see
logically should belong to Argentina.
Since then, I have always taken an anti-war stance on
each of the conflicts we have been involved in. This
has led to arguments at school and work and even a
death threat in Peterborough train station this last
March (I am not kidding, them warmongers are
I now find myself on the other side of the argument. I
am desperate for Bush to start on Iran or Syria. I
really want him and his administration to start
making WMD/tyrannical/Al Qaeda noises in that
direction. I want Blair to be in that position of
having to choose between the support for his
peace-loving and Christian friend across the water or
the voices of the people in this country. I really
want him to choose Bush again.
I want him to tell the Commons with a serious face
that Syria/Iran sponsor terrorism, that they could hit
Cyprus; that they could destroy London in 45 minutes.
I want the country to see the embarassement written on
his face as he wearily repeats what the Emperor in
Washington has told him. I want it to be written all
over his face that "these are not my words"
I want it so obvious that none of the cabinet believe
this charade but I still want to watch them repeat it
on the Today programme, the World at One, Channel 4
News and Newsnight.
I want an even bigger task force to be assembled and
sent down to the Gulf. I want Jim Davidson
entertaining them. I want Geri Halliwell squeezing her
tits together as the forces sweetheart. I want The Sun
to tell its readers that our boys have to be there for
freedom and security and the younger generation.
I want Richard Littlejohn to write a column on the
dangers of having so many lesbian Syrian single mother
assylum seekers and so many homosexual Iranians
getting huge lottery grants. I want Mrs Thatcher
wheeled out, her scrawny stroke damaged face dribbling
drool out the corner of her mouth, saying how proud
she is that she lives in a free country.
I want Peter Hitchens in The Daily Mail to tell a
story of how evil the mad mullahs are; I want Melanie
Phillips to whip up hatred for foreigners and to
portray herself as the only moderate voice left. I
want David Aaronovitch in The Guardian to be
apoplectic with rage about the anti-war
I want a war. And I want one now.
And then maybe, just maybe the British public would
turn round and say "no". Maybe they would turn against
The Sun, The Daily Mail, Hitchens, Littlejohn,
Phillips and Davidson. Maybe they would turn against
Blair and the rest of his Christian fundamentalist
I have turned into a member of the CPGB demanding that
we do not feed the poor because only when they are
really hungry will they revolt.
I need this war, I really do. You have no idea. I
must write to the US embassy and demand they start on
Syria. All Syrians are evil. They look like Saddam
Hussein and they speak that same funny jibberish
language. We all know that Saddam went to Syria. He is
staying with Osama Bin Laden there, honestly.
Please start this war Mr Bush, to rid this country of
all that is vile and intolerant.
But whatever you do, don't fire a single gun or
missile. I don't want anyone to die.
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